melatthedisco's Journal

yea.
I have so much on my mind. My friends are all drifting away but none of them even notice. They all have their own friends now and want to be with them more so than me.

Sarah started drifting at the beginning of the summer. She was gone for the whole summer. And if a summer can tear us apart then what will going away to college do? I guess Beth was right. The friendships you have in high school aren't going to last when you graduate. Why can't I just have fun while it lasts? Well it appears as I am trying to on the outside, but that's cause I hold all my feelings in. I could never tell anyone how I really feel. I can't ever fully open up, but why? I was never tragically hurt. Why can't I ever trust someone? I always am second guessing myself. Does this person talk about me when I'm not around? Am I crazy for thinking that? Why can't I trust? Why can't I love without being afraid I'm going to be hurt? Right when I started feeling like I really liked Adam I decided it was too much. I think Homecoming sealed the deal. He made me feel things I never felt before. It was such a rush of emotions. I couldn't even deal with it. So I decided to cut off contact. I haven't even really spoke to him since. Brynn going to younglife. There's another thing bothering me. Not just that she's religious. This isn't because I am atheist. It just doesn't feel right. I don't care if she believes in god, cause seriously if I really cared, I think Kim would be my only friend. The thing is, it's like a cult. I'm not even kidding. She went once and became like obsessed with it. It's now the only thing she talks about. And she has all these new friends. I never got along with those people. We just don't click. So how, when she's always with them, am I supposed to be with her? I love her, but I don't know how she can't see this. But then again am I just getting too close to someone, too close that they could hurt me? And I'm getting scared and making up things to try to make sense of it in my head? There I go second guessing again. Do I ever know what I'm talking about?

I'm really just an idiot. I'm just a good liar.

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